The first day of Fall is in 2 days. As the Autumnal Equinox approaches, signs of change are everywhere. The temperature has dropped to the mid to lower 80s, with some days in the high 70s. There are leaves starting to change from green to russet brown, orange, yellow, and red. My favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, will be in a couple of months. Shortly after that is Christmas and then the New Year. I find that there is an urge to stop, and look for a moment. To appreciate the change happening slowly all around me. I want to breathe in the changing season, and feel the beauty surrounding me.
This portrait of myself was completed a few months ago. As sometimes happens, I have been plagued with a depressive episode. When this happens, I cannot find the energy to do much of anything, even my beloved art. My husband makes sure I am taking care of myself, but all of my favorite hobbies fall to the wayside. Depression is a deep dark hole I have to climb out of, from time to time. My portrait seems to be a flower child. Look closely, however, and you will see a warrior. The flowers in my hair help me remember life is beautiful and worth living. My eyes are closed, so I can trust my instincts. I have on 3 swatches of paint on my cheek, war paint. I'm ready to battle my invisible illness, Bipolar disorder.
I rarely mention my illness. It is a life long struggle. At its core, Bipolar disorder is a disease of highs and lows. I experience periods of intense mania. I feel like I am ready to take on the world. However, my attention wavers easily from one topic to the next. I find it hard to concentrate on one thing at a time. I usually get the bug to do something wild, like travel to a new country, or start a business. In mania, my art is wild, free, and unfettered. Because of this spurt of creativity, I have refused medications in the past, to my own detriment. Eventually, I will run out of fuel, and sometimes, I will fall into dark despair. In contrast to the high energy of my manic episodes, my depression seems to sap all my energy away. I can't get off the couch. I do not feel like doing anything at all. I don't really want to watch TV. I stop writing, stop doing art, stop doing anything that brings me joy. If my husband wasn't helping me remember to eat and shower, I would probably let those things go by the wayside as well. I have fortunately found medicine that has saved my life, quite literally. Being Bipolar affects my life but no longer rules it.
As my favorite season of the year begins, I find myself with renewed love of life, and am once more feeling the urge to create. My depression has thankfully waned, and creativity is once more taking hold. I am planning to travel soon again, and am looking forward to my favorite season of the year. As Summer comes to a close once more, and Fall begins for 2023, I am looking ahead.
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